Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
