there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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