I think i sorta joined a cult last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
