i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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