I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
