my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
