I think I died a long time ago.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I believe in your delicious
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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