Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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