i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
