when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
