Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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