i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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