You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
