So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
