I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
