Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(863): View more from Florida

I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?

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(253): View more from Washington

Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?

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