3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
