I feel like abortions should bother me more
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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