I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
