it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
