shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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