haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
