I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
