He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
