he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
