Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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