Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
