you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
