Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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