i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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