i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
