3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
