I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
