I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
