Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
