why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
