you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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