i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
