Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
