I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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