apparently the secret to your success is patron
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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