What did we do last night that was yellow?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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