It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
