apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I believe in your delicious
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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