You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
