Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
