What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
