Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
