Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
