He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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