I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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