I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
