Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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