all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am midnight drunk by noon
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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