I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
