Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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