Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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