my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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