yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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