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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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